Just yesterday I had to drive to the exact same spot where the day prior, a car filled with teenagers a little older than you, had an accident, and young lives were cut short. My heart hurts with this news and I can’t shake the sadness. In the blink of an eye everything can change. Two moms, just like me, had hopes and dreams for their child’s future; now forever changed, forever heartbroken.
I need to protect you from the scary stuff in the world, but remind you of the dangers out there. It’s a delicate balance. What is too much? What is not enough? How can my words get through to you to keep you safe? Is that even possible?
Yesterday you also read about yet another school shooting. This time in Denver. There was a sadness in your voice, but no shock. This is happening too often. Where can I send you that is safe? Where I won’t worry. Does such a place exist?
Today, just this morning, we got an email that there will be increased police presence at your school for the rest of the week after an anonymous social media post that danger was perhaps brewing. This week is your first middle school dance. While you are excited for that, I’m now worried something will go awry. But I will hide those feelings, as I do many times, so that you can experience the fun of middle school and growing up, without seeing my tense smile as I drop you off.
When I got pregnant with you I was worried about what I ate, if I was getting enough sleep…what if my body failed me and something happened. I couldn’t wait to give birth to you so that you would be safe in my arms.
Silly me. Carrying you inside my body was the easiest part of parenthood.
One day you will know everything that I feel. Even though sometimes it physically hurts to have four pieces of my heart outside of my body, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Being your “sMother” is the best, most scary role in my life. It’s challenging and rewarding, frustrating and full of joy….basically parenthood is a sharply bi-polar feeling.
You won’t know why I do what I do or how I feel what I feel, until you have children yourself. But for now, just bear with me as we navigate this crazy, wonderful life together.
Be safe always and know how loved you are.